Doing, Going and Being..........

I am doing lots of things, going lots of place and being with lots of people and yet not feeling much of anything. It's a weird sensation, I enjoy being with the people I choose to be with and enjoy doing the things I am doing but it feels very much that I could be doing something entirely different and I would feel the same, like something just drifting along with the flow. I suppose I will snap out of this lacklustre feeling eventually - just feel like a sepia version of my normal self at present.

My favourite..........

I've been thinking about favourite things, like favourite days, favourite times, in fact all manner of favourite things.

Favourite day of the week - is generally Monday, I only work one in four mondays so I always feel naughty not working then and its a good feeling. I don't think after all these years I could go the 9-5 Monday to Friday route. I don't mind working every second weekend for the trade off of having Mondays off.

Favourite night of the week - is clean sheet night, that first sleep in your beautiful sun dried linen is truly blissful.

Favourite colour - is purple, my bedroom is painted a soft purple and is very calming and soothing to me. I had a purple car until recently alas the i30 did not come in any shade approximating purple. Very short sighted of Hyundai I thought.

Favourite recreation - is reading, I just love reading, it soothes me and seduces me, I completely lose myself in what i am reading and just become part of the story.

Favourite TV show - I could re-watch West Wing over and over, I have watched it straight through at least three times.

Favourite place in the house - is the new outdoor setting, I will be spending many hours happily whiling away hot summer nights outside reading and listening to music out in my courtyard. I have the choice of a comfy chair or lazy lounger.

These are just a few of my favourite things, hmm now that sounds familiar

Until next time...

Not much to say really......

still going through the process of grieving which will be what it will be I guess. I am trying to not be impatient with myself and allow it to happen as it will.

Admittedly I am keeping myself busy and distracted most of the time with work, friends and family. I will resume Karate training next week with the beginning of the new module and this time I plan to graduate with the next belt which will be purple with white stripe - Mmm purple - my favourite colour.

I have bought an iPhone and am very happy with it, although listening to messages and trying to skip through them caused a bit of angst the other day, but I eventually figured it out.

I have pulled the plug on developing a relationship with W as I just wasn't feeling anything more than mateship and you need that spark to fire things up and it just wasn't there for me. I am disinclined to let things drag on and made it clear to him that it was back to our cycling mateship for me.

Going to spend the weekend with Von and Dad, it is Dad's birthday on Sunday and since Mum passed away on Father's Day I would like to make a bit of a nicer fuss over Dad than what occurred on Father's Day. Von has a Hen's night to attend on Saturday so I will probably go out to dinner with Dad then and catch up with Von on Sunday and Monday.

That's about all that is going on for the present and will post again sometime soon

Au Revoir

It's been awhile...

It's been a tumultous few months and I have come through it intact. Mum passed away peacefully on 6th September and we farewelled her off in style true to her character on the 9th of September.

I have been so very well supported and have discovered new depths to old friendships and relationships with people as a consequence, which has been so rewarding and fulfilling.

I am now just taking time to breathe and enjoy the simple things in life and allow time to add its final gentle touch to the grief.

Relationships are a funny thing, romance or otherwise, and depend so much on the timing or where you are in your life, I have put the kibosh on developments with W as I feel not able to be in a relationship with him through no fault of his or mine for that matter. I am 37 years old and frankly I like things how I like them and at present unwilling to make changes to accommodate someone else, that may change in the future, who knows?

I have always been a solitary creature by nature and have to force myself to interact with people to maintain the social habits required. I am looking to take up new hobbies and want to learn to sew properly, I have bought a sewing machine which hasn't seen the light of day since I bought the thing but plans are afoot for me to learn to use it, just want to sew hems, cushions covers, simple things and see how i go from there. I also want to start volunteering regularly perhaps with the RSPCA as I am good with animals and don't mind doing the hard yards where looking after them is required. So I will take the time to look at what is out there and pick and choose what I would like to contribute to society. I have just the final paperwork to put together to get my JP qualifications but I have been a little busy with other things this week so I will finalise that on monday I hope and send off the application to be considered.

I am excited about the future and what it holds for me. I will resume my deferred studies next year as a fresh year full of possibilities and interesting times. Mum will be cheering me on from upon high, that I know, for a fact.

I will be seeking new topics to blog and look forward to suggestions from my readers

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.
Gerry Spence, 'How to Argue and Win Every Time'

Another sunny day....

Just back from a meander along the river with mum in her trusty wheelchair, we sat and watched the world go by and had an ice-cream each. It is truly the simple things in life that are the best and I aim to do as many of the simple things with mum while we can. Tomorrow we are going to venture to Noosa Library and have a look at the audio books on offer, mum has been asking for a while to do this but hasn't been in the best shape to do it but for the moment she is good, so we will get while the getting is good.

I am happy spending time with my mum and sister, in particular, with my sister as an equal, although she will always be my baby sister, I have been quietly stunned at how brilliant she is at looking after mum at her worst and how capable and mature she is at managing everything around her. It has been an eye-opening experience as this has been the longest period of time that we have spent together, at other times when I have been up, she has been at work and doing her thing so we haven't spent a great deal of time together.

Mum is in marvellous hands with my sister and I have no doubt she will cope brilliantly during the week and I can come up on the weekends to relieve her for a couple of days so she can decompress and destress.

In other news, my parents and my sister have met W, the new fellow in my life and he's got the seal of approval from them. He survived the inquisition with panache and didn't run shrieking for the hills, so he has potential. With all else going on, W has been patiently awaiting his turn for my attention, and has placed no demands on my time, which is very considerate of him. It is still early days for me and I have no idea where it will end up but am just taking it day by day.

You just never know what is around the corner.........

Let me just adjust my chair....

I am pondering what to post, all sorts of things have been going on, and it's been a rough couple of days, in fact this past Sunday and Monday were two of the most stand out most horrible shittiest days of my life thus far. For various reasons I won't go in to the revolting details but most of it was down to the stress levels tipping key people over the edge and causing them to verbally abuse me and mine for no real reason. In addition, Mum's condition has caused her to be confused about her choices for care at this time, in spite of us having carefully discussed all facets of her care when the time came, she is now at the polar opposite of whatever choice she made previously while of sound mind and body.

Nothing works out as planned, you are told one thing and the reality is completely something else, you are made to feel stupid and dramatic for wondering how you can manage things better.

We are now at the point of having to work out care for Mum as the Sunshine Coast is abysmal in its lack of proper palliative care. In Nambour hospital "we just stick 'em where we can find a bed" to use the words of Mum's palliative care doctor. Which means noise, chaos, coming and going of all manner of people at the point where you want quiet and peace and time alone with loved ones whilst having professional care for medication & comfort.

The one thing I have learned out of all this, should I ever be cursed by this disease, I shall not allow this to be my fate - a judicious plan of self-euthanasia will be in place and I will avail myself of it and enact it when I deem necessary.

I feel empty and discouraged and terrified at the moment and have no idea how quickly things will progress, it is literally a day by day thing.

Pointy end of the pineapple....

Mum's condition is deteriorating to the point where serious issues have to be discussed and addressed - which is the purpose of this weekend's visit. My sister and brother will be there to have a round table discussion about various aspects of mum's continuing care and future management. My sister has been doing an absolute sterling job in our (her older siblings) absence and I am so proud of her and so worried for her at the same time. Only 25 and dealing with a fairly heavy emotional burden and still relatively sane. I have had the "talk" with mum and know what her wishes and desires are, however, my siblings don't as they both are younger than me and I guess Mum thought as the oldest it was my role to manage these things and truly, it is an honour to carry out things as Mum wishes, but I just have to relay this information more clearly to my siblings and other family members.

It is a true dichotomy for me at the moment, as everything else in my life is wonderful, I am really and truly happy with all aspects of my life (excepting mum's deteriorating health). I have a new fellow who is very keen on me although very early days, it is lovely to be desired and thought so well of. I work with wonderful people who cannot do enough to support me and offer me so much. My home life is great, Pete my flatmate is a cool dude who is great to share a house with. The furballs grant love unconditionally. I have wonderful friends who do nothing but give me love, support and happiness each in their different ways, who have gorgeous babies I get to spoil, interesting lives that I get to vicariously live through. I have my training to get back too when things are settled and study to look forward to next year. I have such a rich full life that I feel very blessed most days, but I have to face a future without my mum and that is causing some serious self indulgent moment ie Why me etc etc and bargaining with a higher power that if i do this you make mum all better.

Overall I have nothing to complain about, after all, there are billions so very much worse off and have through horrific things and gone on to thrive and be counted in the grand scheme of things.

Such is life I suppose....